So today was my sixth parkrun since starting running and it was a
very special one for me today. I avoid park run some weeks due to my anxiety as
I can feel uncomfortable in the crowd, uncomfortable with people watching me
run and very uncomfortable about my picture being taken. I use parkrun
not only for helping me to improve my running and as a training run but to help
me overcome some of the things I find difficult.
·
It helps
me getting used to pictures being taken of me.
·
It helps
me be social as I will have to talk to people I don’t know each week.
·
It helps
me get used to being in crowds
·
It helps
keep me on track at the weekend with my diet as it makes me feel good in myself
and motivated.
Today was not
a Pb day for me with my time but I accomplished something much better than a Pb…..I
WENT ALONE AND RAN ALONE FOR THE FIRST TIME AT PARK RUN!!!!!
When I arrived
in the park I went to listen to the run briefing, I stood to the side alone as I
was starting to feel nervous. I was scanning the crowd hoping to find my friend
Anna so I could run with her. Unfortunately Anna was busy today baking for a
cake stall at her church’s fete. I took myself off to the start and kept moving back in the line due to nerves
and lack of confidence and I was thinking if I do one lap I can just run
through to the car park and go home without no one noticing as if I go now I will
draw attention to myself.
The first lap
was awful I trie4d to put my headphones on to block everyone out but they were
stuck on a few second shuffle and I was in such a state I couldn’t get it to
play the whole song. I gave up with the headphones and thought right let’s just
concentrate on reaching the corner with the hill as by then most of the people
around me will get ahead and I will feel better having less people around me. By
the time I reached the top of the little hill I was feeling so anxious that it
was affecting my breathing which was not very good for my running and made very
self-conscious about my noisy breathing. By the time I reached the lake I had
caught up with a runner but then slowed as I didn’t want to pass them and kept
behind them thinking god sake Mel just go past! It is so silly really as if I had
my running buddy kaily by myside I would of just followed her past a runner but
on my own I was keeping myself behind them. Now I was feeling annoyed with
myself on top of everything else. As I was coming up to the carpark I was very
tempted to bugger off but knew I would cry about it and hang onto it to for
days tormenting myself that I quit especially as I need to train for the
ThisGirlCanRun10team race that I have been chosen for. There was only one thing
for it which was that no matter how hard it was I had to keep going as it would
be a much harder week for me if I give up.
I tried to concentrate on my breathing and blocking out as much as
possible around me when I found myself running alongside another runner who I didn’t
know but had seen before. I didn’t want to slow as I wanted my run over with as
soon as possible so stayed at my pace hoping that he would pick up his pace and
get ahead. This didn’t happen and I was feeling uncomfortable due to my anxiety
nothing to do with the runner himself. So I picked up my pace a bit and got
ahead a little then he picked his pace up so he was ahead which made me feel
loads better but after a while he went to a walk so I got ahead a
little then we were side by side again. This continued for most of the second lap.
On the third lap I slowed after the hill so that I could lose him but then half
way round this lap I found myself in a similar situation with another runner. Inside
my head I was screaming at myself for god sake why you are putting yourself
through this! I felt like I had been running for hours and just wanted it to be
over. As I was coming down the hill over the other side the marshal on that corner
said
‘Well done
great running! Just down the hill, round the lake and you’re done’
My answer was
‘thank god for that’
It was this encouragement
that helped me around the last part of lap 3 as I kept repeating it to myself
in my head all the way to finish and it helped me to even pass a few runners
and walkers to get myself down that finish funnel and get home!
I was so relieved to have finished and all I wanted
to do was get home but found myself in a que for barcode scanning something
that has never happened before for me and today I really didn’t want to be
hanging around. I spent them time in the que looking at my feet flicking my
barcode feeling very uncomfortable. It gets to my turn and my barcode wouldn’t scan
which again had not happened for me before so resulted in my details having to
be written down so keeping me there longer.
I finally got myself out the way found a
little quite spot on the field had a drink and stretched. The whole time
thinking to myself I hope no one is watching me in case I’m not stretching properly.
I was doing stretches that i always do and that I had been taught by my fitness
instructor so this was just stupid thoughts again.
It wasn’t until
I got home that I started to feel really good about the fact that I had just
completed my first park run alone. I felt amazing even though it was a struggle
it was so worth it as I am still on track with my training and it showed me
that I can do it again and who knows it may be a little easier emotionally when
I do.
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